All Our Fears Born

Moving On - Goodbye

2011-06-21T14:00:00.000-04:00

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*Editted October, 2011 - I will be attempting to repost much of my blog over here. I'm not sure how I will do, but I want to try it, so you should start seeing some new stuff pop-up. :)

This will be my final post on All Our Fears Born, or at least it's likely to be. I am beginning a blog over on wordpress.com. It's here: antonioguadagno.com. It isn't much to look right now. There should be one, maybe two posts and not a lot of content, but I plan to change that quickly.

I have refined my plans for what is to be on the blog, details are in my first post which went up Friday. I put a quick list of the days and their features below. If you'd like more information, see the post titled "What to Expect" on my new blog.

Monday - False Starts

Tuesday - No Longer Relevant

Wednesday - Mid-Week Geek-Out

Thursday - Roots

Friday - Free-For-All

Then I will have a Weekend Mashup each weekend of interesting blogs I've read.

New Blog Forthcoming

2011-06-15T17:14:00.002-04:00

I've felt the blog bug bite me, so I plan to update my blog layout and schedule regular updates. I'm actually planning out a schedule. GASP! I know. I'm planning to post 5 days a week and even on a specific topic each of 4 of those days.

I would appreciate any feedback on the new layout (when it appears) and the topics. I don't plan to change what I'll be writing about, but feedback is welcome nonetheless.

I had a rough time deciding on subjects for each day. I love so many things, including video games which are notably absent. This does not mean I won't discuss them, just that I'll either have to creatively fit them in, or discuss them on Fridays. Here is the new planned schedule and brief descriptions, Monday through Friday:

Alternate Mondays - On Mondays I'll be discussing alternate universes. Perhaps, what would life be like, if Alexander the Great were really Alexandria the Great? Or if America never went the industrial route?

Tuesday's Mash-Up - On Tuesdays I will post links to other social media. Blogs about writing, video games, theology. I'll comment and summarize the links too, so you know what you want to click before you click it.

Mid-Week Theology - On Wednesday I plan to discuss Theology. I am no pastor or seminary graduate, but I will discuss Christianity and the Bible in layman's terms. I may pose more questions than answers, or question modern American Christian culture.

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Sci-Fi Thursday - On Thursdays I will discuss Star Trek. No, Star Wars. Well, both of those, and even more. I'll discuss some books I've read, movies and shows I've seen. I may discuss why I think that calling sci-fi a genre is too limiting and why it should be considered more of a setting, like Fantasy.

Free-for-All Friday - Fridays anything goes. I may have a brief post about my kids, fatherhood, or why I like wearing shoes with toes. I may discuss anything on these days or even post flash fiction or poetry. The day may focus on other genres and settings, such as horror, fantasy, or even commentary on current events.

The Dark Lands - Episode 0

2011-01-19T08:25:00.004-05:00

So I'm editing my novel once again. Yes, the one I completed two and a half years ago. I have decided that, since my wife helped me find where I can publish to Kindle, Nook, and iBooks for free or a nominal percentage of sales, I will break up the novel into shorter episodes. As I complete each Episode (my goal is one per month) I will publish them. Then when the full first novel has been published as an episodic series, I'll release the full thing along with some special commentary or something at the end, so you can buy it as intended.

If this goes well, I'll do it for novel two and so on. My question, however, for anyone who reads this, is would you buy a short Episode 0 for $0.50 to try it out? The other episodes I plan to charge $0.99 for each, as they will be longer, fuller experiences. So, what I'm trying to gauge if I should release Episode 0 for 50 cents by the end of the month (possibly the end of the week) or should I hold out and do a special Episode 0/Episode 1 bundle for 99 cents and wait a few weeks to finish Episode 1?

Please, for the four of you who read this, let me know your opinion. :)

In the City

2011-01-18T11:30:00.003-05:00

The Monster inside me creeps
And though my secrets sleep,
The slumber is not sound.

My Monster knows the way
To ruin another day.
He runs through city streets,
Up and down he creeps,
As he laughs out loud.

Alone through man-made canyons I run
Looking behind me. He's having fun.
I need help to cope.

My Monster is Legion and they are many
Scattering, shuffling, cornering me.
They run, they scream, I no longer sleep.
My mind it wrenches. I fall and I weep.
I see them, right there, before me here
My Monsters, they know me, I am but fear.
Where is my promised hope?

There, in the distance, I see the Light
It comes and quickly the Monsters fright.
They all run and disperse as if by magic.
My hope is here, my situation's not tragic.
He stands beside me, His hand outstretched.
My legs won't listen, I know I am wretched.
I know my worth and it's less than nothing.
He knows it too, but He sees something
Different than I. He sees His brother.
He'll fight my Monsters, and then another,
And though He wins, in His death, they succeed.

I'm alone again, or so I think
He pulls back to life, and not from the brink
For He was dead, three days in all,
As I wept and cried and then I saw
Him standing there, brighter than before
He reached out again, but this time there was more
A spirit inside me, not ridding of guilt
For I was why He had to wilt
Under the attack of Monsters of sin
But He didn't save me from only them.
His Father was mad. I'd created Lament
And He was the one who'd sit in Judgment
He'd throw me into the dungeons, the pit
He'd get rid of the keys. For eternity I'd sit
And ponder my wrongs, against Him, for they were
My horrid rebellions. My life as a damned cur
Would all be over. I'd promise Him that.
But it wasn't enough. He knew of my fat
Greedy heart that plotted against me.

He knew of my mind that filled me with pride.
He knew of my soul and His Son who died
To save me from evil I'd brought on myself.

I ran like a scared little goblin or rat
I ran like I could escape the One who sat
On the throne of Heaven, the throne of Grace,
I couldn't escape Him or change my own face
From one who was evil to one who was good
His Son had done that, but I scarce understood
The reality of the act He committed,
What salvation cost Him, that I stood acquitted
Of every Monster and every destruction
Every evil and all my obstruction
Of good and His Will and all of creation
He'd paid all my debts and those of all nations
With the only thing worthy. Himself.

So there in my shame and nakedness plenty
I cowered as the Son of Man who had saved me
Approached and I knew that I couldn't escape.
I knew that he would destroy me and take
Every bit of anything I held to
And rid me of it, I would just sit and rue
My short little life of which I had nothing
Of value to offer to One who was Holy.
He stretched out His hand and I cowered again
I shrunk back from it, but then looked at His grin.
He knew my fears and they troubled him not.
He saw my soul and right then I forgot
All that before I had held so dear
And all that in Him had caused me such fear
As my hand touched His, I knew without doubt
That I was so empty, but He had a fount
Of living water that freely would flow
Into me. Filling my soul
Like nothing experienced before on the Earth.
Like nothing. But close to a second birth.

I was a new man and in Him I shone
My face was now bright as the fresh fallen snow
I'd see Monsters and terrible things till I could
Join Him in His Kingdom above where He stood
At the right hand of my Father who sent His own Son
To save a wretch like me.

Quick Update....

2010-06-23T17:30:00.000-04:00

Those of you who know me, know I love writing. Well, after a several month hiatus (by choice, not lack of creativity or anything else) I am back at it... in addition to the poetry and blog stories, I am now working on Exodus, officially.

I'm trying something new from the previous novel (yes, for those of you who liked The Dark Lands, it will be rewritten and published, God-willing) and instead of trying to write an excellent novel and then go back over it with rounds and rounds of polish, I'm writing it quick and dirty and trying to get it finished quickly.

I then plan to sand it down and shape it and polish it just as much. I think I'll get a more cohesive and better flowing first draft this way. Plus, instead of worrying about grammar or spelling things correctly or any of that, I'll just type it in and fix it later.

It seemed to work well last night. I plan to write two times a week and hope to finish the first draft of the book this year. I have my birthday as an aggressive goal, but if it's not done until the 31st, that's ok too.

If anyone is interested in being in the first round of readers (probably draft 3, either around the end of this year or Spring of next year), let me know. Blog comments are probably best for that, but commenting on the Facebook note will probably work too.

Laurence 3 (or The Man of Hope)

2010-06-17T16:33:00.002-04:00

Despair was a ruthless place. Once. When people hoped enough to even be evil.

It used to be named Cutt Throat, but long ago, when the wells ran dry and the mines no longer shined, the town cleared out and those who remained fell into depression.

Caravans used to come through the towns and trade, but one day, they stopped, and left behind a new name for the town. Despair.

Laurence walked into town thirsty. The land was barren around it, almost a desert, and the few people he saw ignored him. So, Laurence did the only thing that made sense to him and walked into the bar.

"Water, please," he croaked.

"Sure, didn't think you'd spend any money," the bartender, a dirty, young woman, said.

"I'll pay," he said, and picked a coin out of his pocket.

"Gee, thanks," she took the coin and bit it with her two good teeth. "Real gold?"

"What's that you said?" An old man got up from a table, where his overweight body had begun to grow in a shape to fit into the small wooden chair he sat in.

Laurence didn't pay much attention as he downed the thick, warm water like it was a cool, clean spring. The others in the bar began to gather around him, though. Everyone wanted to see the gold he brought.

"Is that real?" one woman asked.

"Can't be, has to be a fake," another said.

"It is," the old man said. "Where'd you get this, boy?"

Laurence was surprised by all the commotion and looked around. Every eye was on him.

"I got it from my parents. We live in Safety. It's about 10 miles that way." He pointed East.

"Ain't no such town, and there ain't any town that way. Where'd you get it?" the old man pressed closer.

The crowd began to grow angry. Then another man, taller and younger, but still haggard, walked up. His hat had holes, and his badge was more than tarnished, but he was obviously the sheriff.

"Now, now, Mayor Danfield." The younger man put his hand on the older man's arm. "Leave the boy alone. He's obviously dehydrated and in need of some rest. Lyzzie, this gold piece he's given you ought to be enough to get him room and board for a couple of days, no?"

"Yessir, Sherrif Duwalt," the bartender, Lizzie, said. She smiled slightly and Laurence realized it was the first smile he'd seen since leaving Safety.

"Alright, Sheriff, but I'm talking to him tomorrow." Mayor Danfield looked from the Sheriff to Laurence. "First thing in the morning."

Lizzie showed Laurence to his room. A small, dirty room that smelled of cheese. He took off his boots and knelt to pray.

"Father, please give me the words to say to them. These people have nothing and a small piece of gold has seemed to give them hope. Let me show them the real hope You bring. Please bring glory to Your name here and let me be the salt and light for this town. I promise You I will stay here for as long as you need me to. Amen."

While Laurence slept, Mayor Danfield talked to a few other townsfolk about Laurence.

"Mayor, what do we do? This man has gold," Mrs. Ratner said.

Her husband agreed and added, "And he probably knows where more is too."

"Yeah," Mr. Waldorf said, "he must have more. He was probably out there burying his treasure. That's why he was so worn out."

More people tried to talk, but Mayor Danfield chimed in with the skills that earned him the title Mayor.

"Folks, we have been Despair too long. It's time we become Cutt Throat again. Who's with me?"

"But, Mayor, with all respect and honor, what if he is from Safety?" Lizzie asked.

"Safety doesn't exist, Darlin'. It's just a tale to get kids to sleep at night."

Ramblings of Today

2010-06-16T15:53:00.003-04:00

So, I'm going to write a new book. I know, I know. I'll get back to The Dark Lands one day, with a major rewrite, but it's not the book for me to write any longer. So, I'm starting a new one. It's a science-fiction book. It kind of reminds me of Battle Star Galactica, and maybe some Firefly and Star Gate in there too. Of course, any other space-based science fiction series could be related to any other, so we could throw in Star Wars, and maybe Star Trek, though much less utopian than that.

I'm not saying anymore other than the working title of the series, "Exodus", at the moment. I'll be beginning the first chapter this week, and those of you who would like to read the beta, please let me know (commenting about it on my actual blog is the best way, it sends me an email and I will see it... other methods, I'll try to pay attention to).

I will continue to post poetry on my blog as it comes to me (all poetry posted is mine, unless I attribute it otherwise, and is a first draft. I write it directly to the blog). I'll also continue updates and make a facebook page, but only after the first couple chapters are finished, or the first draft... if it goes quickly.

The Rock

2010-06-02T17:00:00.000-04:00

I fall,
Rock breaks me and I become pieces.
What other could be this?
No other, for He is.

There is no sand that believes this,
Or leaves that will feel missed,
For I know who He is.

I watch,
What of the branches the Rock trims?
They fall and He leaves them.
For they didn't know Him.

They're gone and their world spins.
We all know we have sins.
But I know, I know Him.

I share,
But they give Him no stock,
I claim Him and they mock.
My hope is in the Rock.

While time ticks down, tick-tock,
Comes to the end, my clock,
The only hope is Rock.

Laurence 2 (or The Man Who Left)

2010-06-02T11:06:00.005-04:00

Laurence continued down the road out of town, but Sammy didn't leave him. As he approached the edge of town, a small, white, picket fence crossed the road and stretched as far as he could see.

"The barrier," Sammy said.

Laurence was shaken. He didn't think it would actually be there.

"Will you still cross it?"

"Of course. It's only a fence and I can always come home when I'm done," Laurence said.

"No. You can't," said Sammy. "The barrier will not let you back in. If you go, you will give up your family. You will never see your mother or father again."

Laurence placed his hand on the fence, hesitating.

"It's tough," Sammy said as she put her hand on his shoulder.

He shook away immediately and looked hard at her. "I will go, Sammy. You cannot keep me here like you do all the others. I'll give up anything for what He asks me."

Laurence hopped over the fence and looked back.

Sammy was gone.

The fence was gone.

He couldn't even see the town in the distance, just fields with a road running through it.

Laurence was on his own.

He continued walking down the road until he came to the small town of Despair.

The Scene and the Herd

2010-06-01T13:46:00.001-04:00

The scene begins, our man, he's there.
And yet, so is the Herd.
Our Hero speaks loudly, with great care.
The Herd will hear the Word.

They gather out front, surrounding the Voice.
He doesn't know if they will hear him.
He's telling the truth, he has no choice.
But some begin to fear him.

He proclaims it loud, "You all, take heed!"
But one begins to yell.
"Repent! For Jesus is all you need!"
"He says we're going to hell."

This is where the Scene turns grim,
For now he is no hero.
The Herd begins to turn on him,
Our man becomes a Martyr.

For some will listen to the truth,
And tolerate a time.
But most will hear just what they want,
And think that they're just fine.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Laurence (or The Man Who Didn't Stop)

2010-05-31T14:12:00.000-04:00

Laurence was a walker. From the beginning, his mother couldn't keep him in a seat. His teachers sent complaints home regularly. He never learned to read, and many at his church didn't enjoy his walks up and down the aisles on Sundays. Many would turn to stare at him as if he were the devil.

He was a walker.

Before he graduated he knew it was time to walk. He wanted to find out where the sun set and what happened to the land at the end of the world. He would walk through valleys and over mountains. So he kissed his mother's tears, shook his father's hand and headed west.

He didn't get far before Sammy showed up.

"Whatcha doin', Laurence?" Sammy said.

"Just walkin'. How do you know my name?" he asked.

"I know a lot of names around here. But you know that if you keep walking you won't be safe anymore, right?" Sammy licked his lips, "I'm sure your parents told you about the barrier. Well, have fun."

Sammy turned to walk back to town.

"Wait. What barrier?"

"Oh, they didn't tell you? Well, there's a protection around here. If you leave it, you'll be in danger. You see, Laurence, not everyone out there is a church-goer. In fact, some of them are downright heathens and you don't want to be around them."

So Laurence began walking again. This confused Sammy for a moment, but he quickly caught up with Laurence and the two walked side-by-side.

"Didnt you hear me? I said-"

Laurence cut Sammy off, "Yes, I heard you. And don't think for a moment that just cause I ain't learned and just cause I'm still young that I don't know what this is all about."

"What do you mean?"

"All those years I was walking up and down the aisles at church, I saw you. Whispering in the ears of the ladies who stared at me like I was a freak. But I wasn't listening to you. I was listening to the preacher teach us about going, and I was preparing myself.

"Jesus put us here for one reason. And that one reason is to serve Him. He says 'Go' so I'm going, and you can stay here, Sammy."

to be continued...

Monsters

2010-04-21T11:15:00.000-04:00

Crawling in my head
Gnawing at the little man there
Their claws dig in and won't let go
Dormant for so long

Why do they wake now
Was it a stirring from my rebirth
They want to move in to the spaces left
Spreading out and multiplying

But I have a Tenant and He needs space
He will not be denied

They're waking now, regularly
They ride the coat-tails of righteousness
They hold on and won't be shaken
Their claws are sharp

They slash at me and others around
Gashing my head and theirs
Settling in for a long stay
They're about to be surprised

My Tenant is smart
He knows how to clear them
My Tenant is strong
His words raise the dead

He doesn't want to share
And He shouldn't have to
I bow to Him and He knows
In my heart He is the only one allowed

The monsters are crawling, but not toward me
They're leaving my body alone
He fills the space and me inside
His mercy is a river

My Prayer for Prosperity...

2010-03-30T11:44:00.003-04:00

I pray the Lord will work this message into my life and help me to see that I don't want money. I've never been much of a person to love money, but it's slipped its way into my life and I'm hating it.

I hate the way it fills itself.

Money is like a selfish, amorphous blob that will fill any area it is allowed into. The more you have and spend of it, the more you need to take care of what you have and spend. It's a vicious cycle that I am ready to stop. I understand now why Jesus used money as the counter-choice to God when He said that none can serve two masters.

It's because money has some similar characteristics to God. The affects, however, are disastrously opposite.

Anyway, those are my feelings and not what the sermon I'm linking is about. But it is about why the Recession. If you know what money is, I recommend listening as John Piper shares What Is the Recession For?

Also, if you like this sermon, or don't. Especially if you don't, here is where you can find more by him. Some are audio only, some are video. He's been preaching at Bethlehem since the 80s at least, and there are many many sermons there on all sorts of topics.

Main Page
Sermons by Date
Sermons by Topic
Ask Pastor John

Also, if you'd like, he mentioned this organization in the sermon linked above, and I would recommend their emails and/or the zine. Global Prayer Digest

I promise I'm not going to only post links, but I had to post these, because they are excellent. You can learn a lot about the God who Saves, and His word to us from this man He uses.

Does James Contradict Paul? :: Desiring God Christian Resource Library

2010-03-29T09:43:00.000-04:00

Does James Contradict Paul? :: Desiring God Christian Resource Library

Awesome short read on Faith and Works. Does the Bible contradict itself in this matter? Paul says we are justified by faith alone, but James says man is justified by works, and not by faith alone. James 2:14-26 and Romans 3:27-4:5

Short answer is, no. The Bible doesn't contradict itself. We are first justified by faith. No works as an empty, dying human can justify us to Christ. After we are first justified, though, faith does not remain alone. If it is living faith, it will produce works of love.

Read the link for the detailed, excellent essay on this difficult topic. (Easy read, and it explains it in a way anyone can understand)

Oh How He Loved Us...

2010-03-23T11:13:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking about God's Love recently and a few things have been brought to light.

We are taught that God is Love, right? And He is.

We are taught that He loves us more than we could ever love ourselves and His love is greater than the love shown by all of Creation. We are also to love Him more than we love anything or anyone else.

Thou shalt have no other god before Me. Right?

I want to make one thing clear, here. I'm of course, only talking to believers. The rest of you... well, this isn't written to you, but feel free to read it.

So, we shall have no other god, and love him with everything. Great. But what do we get in return?

God, who do you love the most?

Who do you think He loves most?

Well, let's look at this. Here's some evidence... He created us. He allows us to live as sinful, disdainful, horrible people. He sent His Son to be the One Atonement of our sins.

Hmmm, He seems to love us a lot, doesn't He?

But we already addressed that. He loves us more than we could possible imagine.

So who does He love the most?

Well, let's look at the evidence we have.

Was God lonely or sad or incomplete without us? Is that why He created us? No. Heaven forbid we think that. He was, is, always will be perfect, lovely, Holy, and complete.

So, He didn't need us.

Was He ok with our sin? Did He decide to just put up with it for the purpose of not having us be failures? No. Heaven forbid we think this, either. He hates our sin. He wants us to be perfect, like God the Son, Jesus, was, is, always will be. We can't live up to that, so His mercy grants us another breath, for now. But He does not and did not "put up with" our sin. He hates sin so much that when it was all poured on His perfect Son, He struck Him down and killed Him. Many humans will be going to hell because of not accepting this payment for our sins.

So, He didn't just say it's ok that we sin. He forgave us through a just and righteous payment.

Ok, so He loves us, but the evidence doesn't point to any reason. So why would He love us most if there is no reason? (btw, all reasoning is not the only reasoning you can pull from the Bible, but the reasoning most familiar with the modern American Christian)

Well, let's look at this.

What or who should He love most?

I would say, He should love the most important entity that exists. It makes since for Him to work toward the will of the one who holds the most power and is the most righteous and the most intelligent and the most worthy.

Well, who is that?

Him.

He has to love Himself most. Not because He's egomaniacal. He loves Himself most because He that is the most logical and gracious thing He can do. And even if it weren't, He would still be the most wonderful being in existence.

His love of Himself is clearly appropriate. If for one moment He loved you more than He loves Himself, the basis of all existence, the powers of all Creation and beyond, would suddenly be focused on you, instead of Himself and that cannot be.

It would make no sense for Him to love us more than He loves Himself.

It was clear that Jesus, God the Son, loved God the Father more than He loved any human on earth. Everything in His life was done for the Glory of the Father.

And to a redeemed person like me, this makes all sense and clears my head so much.

Everything is centered around God, because everything has to be. All creation cries out His glory because it has no other choice. It's existence is a huge neon sign.

I used to think that meant that all of the natural stuff of the world was so amazing, it cried out His existence, and I still think that's part of it.

But that's not what it means. Look at your shoes right now. You are wearing shoes right? Ok, look at your mouse and/or keyboard, or something man-made.

You see that that thing exists? You can feel it and touch it, right? It is calling out the very existence of God by being there, in your hands.

The fact it exists is proof of Him.

I don't need that as proof, though. These are signs and wonders revealed, but nothing that will call me in to Him.

He calls me.

He pulls me toward Himself with such love that I can't stand it. I can't understand how He loves us at all.

We are merely specs of nothingness, or we were...

When Jesus died on that cross, His worth was not the worth of one human life. For then, maybe, just maybe, He could have died that one human could live and approach the Father. But then He couldn't have come back.

The fact that He not only died, but came back, shows that He was worth far more than all the humans He died for.

He was worth enough to have so much change left over that it was as if nothing was given.

But something was.

Enough to make us more valuable than we could imagine. We are precious to Him because of the price paid.

Let me put it like this, if you go to the store today and purchase two items, one for $1 and the other for $2300, no matter what the items were (and feel free to imagine what each would be) the one worth 2300 times as much would be the one you take care of and handle carefully.

You might even take and spend more just to make sure it's taken care of. Well, He paid so much for us, He didn't need to purchase insurance seperately.

We are worth so much to Him, but that's not why He died for us. Nope.

He didn't die and pay that price because you're great, good, or because He knew you'd say some little prayer.

He died because He loved us. Remember that He loves Himself most, because He is most worthy of it, not us. Just like we love Him most because He is most worthy, not us. Just like all Creation loves Him most, because He is most worthy, not us.

Except that His love is perfect. And that includes His love for us.

And why did He love us?

Because He loved us.

A New Creature

2010-02-17T11:34:00.014-05:00

Image via Wikipedia

So, I'm starting with a little update. I started reading the Bible about 30 days ago on a daily basis. I use YouVersion. They have an excellent iPhone app that can track a reading plan, but if you don't have the iPhone (or iPod Touch) don't fret. The reading plan is a feature on their website too, so you can go there and track it.

It comes with many different translations, including the Message, KJV, NIV, NLT, many languages, like Japanese, Spanish, and many more. If you don't enjoy reading on your phone or computer, you can use it to track the reading and just pull out a Bible to read the appropriate chapter.

Well, as I've been reading it, the God of the Angel Armies has spoken to me about many things. Mostly my sin. I'm a horrible sinner,and I was born that way. I've heard it's a terminal condition. Fortunately the Counselor spoke to me about my sin and laid a guilt so heavy about one particular sin that I couldn't shake it.

He weighed on my heart until I confessed it and shared it. I'm not going into detail about all of it, but I will share some of it. As I shared this with my wife... I confessed to her, because she is my best friend and He has used her to help me grow closer to Him repeatedly... He opened my eyes to the fact that I was consumed too much with our modern culture.

My television consumption consisted of stuff I would have been ashamed to watch with Jesus, or even my children. I watched 24, How I Met Your Mother, Heroes, and more. Much more. I deleted over 40 subscriptions from my Hulu account alone.

I'm not saying this to brag. It's nothing to brag about. I am ashamed of what I was watching and how much. I can't stand it.

But, I couldn't stop watching those shows.

I was writing my novel every night. I nearly finished it. I'm probably 20 hours of work away from being ready to publish.

I wanted to publish it.

I wanted to be a writer, with a book out, but I felt His weight on me about how my book wasn't what He wanted.

I fought that.

I wanted to write so bad, and maybe one day I will. But not now. My family needs me to be there for them. I was spending so little time with my family that I knew I had to stop writing, watching crap that didn't matter, and living in video games and fantasy worlds.

I was evil. I am evil. I know that. God tells me that. "8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10 If we say that we haven’t sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us." 1st John 1:8-10.

I have sin and can't deny it. I have a desire to go out into the world, share the Word, spread His Love and His gift... but first I needed to get myself right. I needed to get my family right.

I'm taking care of those things now.

I already know the next step, but not until He says I'm ready.

So, I've been reading the Bible, and the Lord has been breaking me. He has been tearing my heart apart and it hasn't felt good, but the healing between the hurt has been amazing. I have had the best 24 days of my life in the past 24 days, and that includes the double ear infection, sinus infection, kids with the same, etc.

I have been a typical American "Christian" who just asked Jesus into his heart and went about his day for a long time. Sure, I listened to Christian music, and some that would make me cringe in the presence of Jesus. I was playing games that I wouldn't allow near my children, but I'd allow them near myself and my wife.

I praise God that He kept me alive long enough to see that I was never broken over my sin, because I was broken the other day.

I plan to post more about my journey, but this was just an update. So if I've been different, or distant recently, know that it's because I am. I am focused on my Savior and my Lord more than ever and I hope it increases until the fire consumes me.

Shout Out

2010-01-30T22:11:00.000-05:00

Darkness does consume those who let it fester,
But in my waking tomb my God always does pester.
The mucked and mired soul with which I failed to live,
Was but a rotting hole, a shell with which I'd give
Nothing to another, not even time of day,
Ignore my loving brother and whittle time away.
My life was truly lowly and so would have remained
If not for the One Holy who rid my heart of pain.

The desperation cast aside,
My heart was fully opened!
The weight on me became so light,
He swiftly removed the burden.
But what did I owe him for such a deed?
I surely couldn't pay it.
He died for me on Calvary
And now I can't contain it.

Pain

2010-01-25T11:31:00.001-05:00

To change my face and hide behind another innocent fellow
Would be a pleasure, welcome and kind, if only it could be so.
The pain's a rack, tearing my soul, and only One can help me.
The other one, he cranks and claws, trying hard and winning.
His whips and lashings leave me raw, blood from my heart rains.
But through the pain He sends an angel, she released the chains.
For though my crime was against her, whose love I don't deserve,
She sets me free and works to prove the Love of the One she serves.

- to my loving wife

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Amazing Grace

2010-01-23T19:19:00.003-05:00

Tell me, Lord, what can I do
To get Your saving grace?

I tell you, son, there's none for you.
You cannot earn your way.

I'll feed the hungry, help the lame,
And even sell my rings.

Your sin's too great for you to tame,
You cannot buy these things.

I love the poor and care for kids,
I even share Your Word.

Your works are naught, you fight your Id,
I do not think you've heard.

What can I do before You now,
I'm prostrate at your feet.

I tell you, son, there's no way how,
My grace is all you need.

The Terrorist

2010-01-23T00:18:00.003-05:00

The terrorist inside of me is laughing once again
He escaped and was set free
I cannot put him in

He hurts the ones I love and causes me great pain
He hates and harms and envies
He loves to make it rain

This terrorist is evil, I wish it were not true
His schemes and temperaments I know
I predict what he will do

He'll find the weak spots quickly and set his sights on them
Prepare a trap and place it
Then he'll lure you "Come right in."

When you're there you're his and he loves to play his game
So he picks up sticks and stones
And he breaks them just the same

He's a hated, evil scoundrel and I keep him locked up tight
His boundaries, nonexistent
His chains, shiny and bright

I cannot lock him up now, he's such an evil soul
I'll need to call on Him to help me

- Antonio Guadagno

New Cover for the Dark Lands!

2009-09-05T22:16:00.003-04:00

First, apologies to those who will see two of these posts on Facebook, but my fan page for my novel is open, and I have a new cover image created by Andre Jones @ Pixel Interactions. Here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Dark-Lands/112620125878

And the image: I have a better, larger version, but don't want to post it online. Let me know what you think, though. :)

Feeling Special

2009-08-05T12:20:00.002-04:00

My son has been doing Vacation Bible School this week and they are wearing him out. Last night we let them watch a show while they fell asleep in our beds, but C had forgotten her glasses upstairs in our room. I ran back up to get them (not 5 minutes later) and he was asleep. He'd moved from our bed to our futon and laid there sleeping.

It was so sweet.

He's growing up, though, and I sometimes think back to what it felt like to be the oldest sibling. It didn't feel all that special. Sure, you got to drive first, but then you ran errands with your little sister in tow. Ok, you graduated first, but then you were out working in the world first too. Well, you did have more responsibility, but that also meant you heard, "Well, you're older, you should have known better," which was never fun or useful.

I also got to sleep on the couch while my sister slept in the bed. I got to mow the lawn (this may have to do with being a boy more than older, but still). And, well, you get the point.

Now, when I think about our kids, our youngest is currently our last. Possibly our last ever, after our fourth went to be with the Father. God willing, he won't be, but for now he is. This makes him very special to us, and we baby him (sometimes too much) but we dote on him and love every little thing he does and says.

Our middle child is our only daughter. She is a Daddy's girl and I love her to death. She loves pirates and zombies and guns and Mickey Mouse and Tinker Bell. She's a handful at times and knows how to be sly and is stubborn, but she gets away with it.

A is our oldest. He's growing up so fast. He's being responsible and I can already see the wonderful man he will become one day. He's very special to us, but I sometimes fear he doesn't know how special he is to me. I guess it's probably normal, but I want him to know that he has me here for him.

This makes me think about our Lord. He doesn't always do things that continuously make me feel special, but He has done many. I am special to Him just as A is special to me (and to Him).

So how does He make me feel and know I am special? Without a need to have anyone else think it or show it to me. (Though I know my family does, they kind of have to or I'll kick them out of the house.)

Well, the answer is, He doesn't.

You may say, "What? He does too, doesn't He? What's wrong?" or something like that. Or you may say, "Yeah, He doesn't me either. Can you imagine. Why be a Christian if He won't do that?"

Well, there are two points to make, then I must return to work.

One:
He doesn't always make me feel special.Sometimes I feel pretty crappy. (Not now, but we all get depressed at times, it's NORMAL) Sometimes it doesn't feel like He knows I'm here at all.

I've realized there are many reasons this happens. Sometimes something bad just happens. When we lost our child, nothing could have made me feel special. It was a terrible, dark time. He knew that, and He knew we'd feel that. And it was OK to feel that way.

Sometimes, it's our fault too. We may do something we know is bad, or yell at someone and think we're above them, but inside we feel small and insignificant. This is normal too. Sometimes we'll feel special because of the bad thing, but it doesn't last long and we are left with a choice: Repent or Repeat.

Sometimes, it's our fault for another reason. God wants to be our Father and our Friend. This is the second point...

Two:
He wants us to spend time with Him.

I've been spending more time in the Bible recently and reading some prophecy blogs. I believe much of the Bible talks about what's happening now and that thrills me, scares me, and encourages me. He knew what would happen and He told us. Anyway, for some prophecy stuff, look at this page, my wife showed it to me and it's very good: http://bible-prophecy-today.blogspot.com

He wants us to spend time with Him. Not just sometimes, ALL OF OUR TIME. This doesn't mean we need to go become monks who read the Bible and pray and nothing else. No. He wants us to include Him in our daily lives, like He includes us in His. And like we would a friend.

Or someone who reads our blogs.

Or tweets.

He wants our time.

And there was the key. I have not been spending enough time with A. He needs more Father-Son time. He loves to play Little Big Planet and make levels (like his Daddy already) and he loves to build things. He's collecting boxes to make a robot right now.

I need to go help him with that this weekend. And maybe tonight I can help him make a level in Little Big Planet. Try to focus his creativity some, but more just spend time with him.

I'm going to do that.

Now, back to work....

I Was Going to Post...

2009-08-03T11:48:00.003-04:00

I think He may be testing me. I started to type a blog during lunch (I'm on my lunch break at work now) and even read two chapters. Good ones to be sure. James 5 and Romans 12. They both spoke to me some, but He didn't lay anything on my heart to post, so I'm not.

This doesn't count. :)

I was typing... correction, I typed a few paragraphs (with some witty stuff, you'll have to trust me) but as I typed, I realized I was forcing it. I guess we do that sometimes. We can't get what we want when we want it, so we force it out.

I was forcing it. It wasn't Him speaking to me, and it wasn't honest. It was more like the first draft of those essays you do in Senior English during High School. Especially if you know you're already graduating, so you just type whatever drivel you can and think it's some smart take on something above most people.

Partly because you don't understand it yourself.

Well, that's what I was doing and He was like, "No. Don't write that." So I deleted it. I wanted to post about not posting, though, so I could try to get in the habit of posting regularly, but then I realized, maybe, instead of me forcing what God wants, I should let Him hijack my thoughts.

Or lack thereof.

God Is Smart

2009-08-01T18:56:00.005-04:00

Just left the Church, in fact I'm in the van, riding home. We've been going on Saturday nights again and the atmosphere is so different. Anyway, you may think, God is smart, so yeah, I knew that. Well, I'm thinking of something Mike said tonight and it isn't "Come to church and get high." He did say that, but he was talking about knowing God's will. He said there's no simple checklist and the more he reads the Bible the more confused he gets. Well this made me think that God is smart.

You see, I always wanted an easy way to know His Will, but He knows better. If it were that simple it would become routine. We would just complete the list when we needed it and write God off for the rest of the day.

(Just got home, switched to computer)

Sample Checklist:
_ Do this
_ Do that
_ Do the other
_ Done with God for today

So, if we have a simple check list, we won't really appreciate it and get what we need out of it. Sure, we'd get what we want, we'd know His Will. But what about what we need? I know that if I were living this daily, my life would be different. Let me tell you a story about my journey the past two weeks...

Last weekend, Mike talked about titheing. Not just giving 10% but giving everything. You see, God doesn't want just the 10%. No. He wants it all. (It's His anyway, but that's another subject for another day.) He wants us to willingly, joyfully, hysterically give him everything we have.

Yes, everything.

Nope, that too.

Let me reiterate. He wants us to give Him EVERYTHING. And not reluctantly. He wants us to be happy about it. No, not happy, HYSTERICAL. He wants us to be happier than if we went to Disney World, or Comic-Con, or E3, or New York, or France, or Greece, or Italy, or the Moon, or we were the first person to meet Elvis as he returned from Alpha Centary. Whichever appeals to you more or make up your own thing.

Not that those things can't make you happy, but he wants us to be happy about giving. (If you're unclear about this, read the passage about the rich man who Jesus personally asks to literally follow Him, all he has to do is sell his stuff. (Matt 19:16 - 30))

Also, Mike had mentioned that money was the one place God said we may test Him. He said many times not to, but with money, we may. And many people will find that if they tithe, good things may happen, it's not guaranteed, but it may. He takes care of us. Also, those who don't, well, their washers break.

Anyway, back to me. :)

Ok, so, our washer broke. We're saving money to buy a house, and our washers break, so we need to buy a new one. I'd promised my wife that I'd get her those nice front loading ones when they broke, and figured we had another year or two. We didn't.

So, we had to plunk down a load of cash for that. Well, we also had a few other money issues. Nothing to worry about and God will provide, but He wasn't at the time. And I knew why. So we tithed, happily. We weren't not tithing because we didn't want to or didn't have the money, it was sheer laziness. I didn't want to do the bills.

So, that entire message was right on track with what happened that week. And it was a wonderful service with a baptism after it.

Ok, I know. You're asking yourself where I'm going with this. Trust me, it circles back to God being smart.

We get there tonight and the atrium is open and the interstate too. The place is alive with the Holy Spirit and, well, I told you what he was talking about tonight.

God is smart.

Oh, and he mentioned that God is slow. I think we all know this. He never answers us in our hurried little time. He waits for until just the right time. Anyway, I read all of James 4 while he was talking. (I pay better attention when I read the Bible or write while he's speaking. It helps me make connections.) It's an excellent chapter, but one passage he didn't mention tonight stuck out.

James 4:1-3 "Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it. You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.

Especially the italicized part.

So, I know what He wants me to do. I want to know His Will and in order to do that, I need to study His Word more. Daily.

He also wants me to study it not only alone (I know He wants that) but with my kids and wife. So that's three times. Daily.

Another thing He wants me to do (I know, He's so demanding. It's like he wants everything in my life or something... oh wait... ) is to stop and look at nature. Just pay attention to what's around me. I spend too much time in my little brain. Thinking about my book, or a movie, or tv show, or game, or my wife, or kids, or some picture, or what I'm going to respec to in WoW, etc. I don't spend enough time just being. (Not a typo. I mean, just being.)

I think He wants me to post my thoughts, too. Not to help anyone else, I'm sure. If He uses it for that, I'll be amazed. I'm a little long-winded and like to write, so I'll be surprised if anyone even reads to this point. ;) (Except my Wife and Mother)

I think He wants me to use this as a journal. If I type up my thoughts and feelings, not only will I be holding myself more accountable, but I'll be able to think through it while I'm typing. So, that's what I'll be doing.

Daily.

God willing. :)

He wants me, and for that matter, this part applies to anyone still with me, to be forced to spend time with Him if we want to know Him and His Will. He's like us, you know. I don't always know my wife's will, wants, likes, dislikes, and I spend everyday with her, talking, flirting, playing, arguing, etc. How could I ever expect to know the likes and dislikes of someone so much more complex and unimaginable with a simple checklist?

God is smart.

The IT Crowd

2009-07-09T21:41:00.000-04:00

Ok, I found this awesome, funny, British comedy. It's called the IT Crowd. The characters totally remind me of people I know... If you enjoy the Office, or comedy in general, it's a great watch. Check it out!

The Dark Lands

2009-06-20T18:11:00.002-04:00

I've been working on my novel for almost 3 years now. It's nearly complete. I am getting nervous though. Being my first book, I'm not entirely sure of the best way to get it published. I know that there are some books out there to help first time authors find agents or get published (I'm hoping for some for Father's Day tomorrow) and I will read them. If anyone reading this has any advice, I would welcome it. Also, if you know any agents or publishers who work with the sci-fi/horror genre, let me know... :)

Intelligent Mistakes: How to Incorporate Stupidity Into Your

2009-03-18T10:22:00.001-04:00

A fun article about AI. It shows lessons the author learned while developing a snooker game and applies these lessons to a chess and shooter game. Great for beginner and expert AI programmers or even those just interested in AI.

read more | digg story

Ugly consoles...

2009-01-16T08:21:00.002-05:00

I didn't write this, but it's pretty funny...
http://pointlessbanter.net/2009/01/15/10-of-the-ugliest-game-consoles-of-all-time/

The Cost of Discipleship (Paul Washer)

2009-01-13T10:47:00.001-05:00

Another sermon by Paul Washer with a mention of Cracker Barrel at the end. :) This one is a little more dry than the first one I posted, but just as powerful.

Paul Washer: Man's Two Problems

2009-01-12T19:12:00.001-05:00

This is another video by Paul Washer. It's all audio with a still image and in this one he does not quote scripture as much, but this is an awesome short message. Look for more Paul Washer videos soon, I imagine I'll be posting them a lot.

Paul Washer - Shocking Message (full length)

2009-01-12T15:44:00.001-05:00

There are no words to add. His are true, Biblical, and convicting. He is a true prophet of God. (He does not tell the future, I use the word in its original meaning, he speaks God's message.)

Watching a Movie For Someone Else...

2009-01-01T11:24:00.003-05:00

Ok, I saw this comic (it's a great series) and it totally reminded me of C and myself. I'm ALWAYS saying she "has" to watch this or that... Like I'm starting her on 24, I avoided it for years and just started watching it the other week, and I know she'd love it... anyway, here it is...

Link to Comic

Doctors cannot have freedom!

2008-07-24T10:32:00.004-04:00

***Warning, you are approaching sarcasm. If you are allergic to sarcasm or do not understand it, please leave immediately. Thank you.***

The stupidity of people to think that a Dr. should be allowed to choose what he or she does or doesn't do is absurd. To think that people would want to allow a Dr. to choose whether or not they wish to help a patient in a certain way is crazy. Let me back up, there is a bill in Congress that would allow a Dr. to not prescribe birth control because it can induce the death of an unborn baby.

Pshaw!

What do these doctors think they are? How could they get the idea that they can hold beliefs and act on them? I'm sorry, but if a doctor doesn't want to do stuff that they think is "immoral" then they should go find another profession. Heck, next thing you know, they'll let doctors not use leeches if they want, or not do blood letting, lobotomies, or shock therapy.

What's next? We need to stand up and say to our Congress, "Enough is enough." We need to have all hospitals become government run and then doctors would be employees of the state. The government does an excellent job with retirement, roads, etc, so why not let them take care of our bodies as well? Then we can force these bastard doctors, who think they have any right to deny a woman from killing her baby if she wants to, to do what the public wants them to do. Power to the vocal minority!!!

***End sarcasm***

Weekend Project: Make a Fireball Shooter

2008-07-23T13:32:00.001-04:00

All I can say to this, is that I know what project I want to do with the kids for science next week... :)

The Church of Oprah Exposed

2008-07-14T13:02:00.001-04:00

I've seen another video about this type of stuff before, but this one is really good. I remember in the early 90's watching Oprah with my Mom on our couch and seeing the entire episode that they showed a clip of where Oprah says, "There can't possibly be only one way to God." The truths intertwined with the lies in her ministry are amazing. Only the father of lies could lead off with such an amazing mix and twist of truth and falsehoods.

Why make it entirely a lie? Why do we have to go to the extremes that cults do? We don't, have the lies be subtle and slid in there to sound like tolerance and peace. That's how to snare something. Like when you hunt with traps. You don't go and get the biggest, nastiest, most gruesome trap. Even if it would be more effective in the trapping, it will not catch as many and the important part is not the deadliness of the snare, but the attractiveness that will bring more to the snare to be caught. They'll still gnaw their own legs off and be dinner.

I recommend that if you think Oprah is anything other than a false prophet, an anti-christ (not THE Anti-Christ, but someone who deceives people away from Christ) then watch this video...

The Bare Necessities

2008-07-11T14:28:00.001-04:00

This must be where I learned to love to eat ants. Whatever happened to great movies that taught lessons? Stuff like being happy with what you have and not wanting more than you really need. Man, this is a great movie, reminds me of my grandpa.

Embedded Video

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I am so ashamed...

2008-07-01T16:08:00.001-04:00

I have watched a Uwe Boll film. I didn't know it was one, but I watched it. The film is In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. I am not ashamed for watching a movie created by such a hack of a director. The one director who has done more to harm video game movies than any single man alive. I am ashamed because... I liked it. It was a well done movie. I could see the twists and most of the story coming from a mile away, but it was still done well. This is, by no means, some movie I am recommending to many people. It is a swords and sorcery fantasy movie. But if you like those types of movies, this is a good one...

I am ashamed...

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Chad Robison...

2008-06-03T09:30:00.003-04:00

One of my old friends (I still consider him one) had a crazy idea and just put it into action. He's always been like that. He gets a crazy idea and just does it. So, I want to share his idea, it's called 52 weeks. He's writing a song every week, for a year. The first one is up and I hope you'll go download it, cause it's really good. I'm sure he'll have some that aren't as good... well, he's sure, but I have faith that this will be a good thing. Anyway, the site is 52 Weeks and you should go check it.

Each song will only be available each week, so no going back if you miss this one. And "Just a Little Bit of You" is not one you should miss.

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Firefly Beginning

2008-05-29T13:43:00.001-04:00

So, this is just the intro, but if you haven't watched this show and you like entertaining TV, westerns, or sci-fi, you'll love it. Check it out free on www.hulu.com or buy the DVDs, or borrow mine.

Here Come the Drums - Doctor Who Video

2008-05-29T13:25:00.001-04:00

Ok, I know I said no more posting YouTube Videos, but I was just viewing some old Dr. Who videos (during lunch) and ran across this. It may be one of my favorite episodes, especially this part and this song. So I figured I'd link it and let everyone know about it. Watch Dr. Who!!!! It's awesome. One of the top 3 shows on TV, probably above Lost and Heroes for me... may be number 1... Anyway, check out the video, the song is energizing.

I do not like Hillary Clinton

2008-05-26T08:39:00.002-04:00

I do, however, defend her on the difficulties given to her by the media. Especially recently. She made a statement about how long past Democratic Primaries have run and referenced the assassination of Kennedy. While some consider this at the least a misstep, I would say, why? She in no way inferred that Kennedy was allegorically linked to Obama during her response. In fact, the prior and post comments didn't seem to mention him at all. But some think that this "slip up," if it is one, is a big deal.

She's apologized for it, though she probably didn't need to, and any logical person with all the facts would see that she didn't mean any harm, but unfortunately that's not who's playing it on TV everyday. No. Instead we have what Orson Wells called "The Thought Police."

Ok, maybe that's a little harsh; they don't read anyone's thoughts and subject them to a penalty because of it. Instead, they take what they said, pull what they want out of it, shape it to seem like what they want it to seem like, then present it to the masses, most of whom do not have the patience, time, intelligence, attention, or something (distracted by the kids as you half-listen to the news) to discern whether or not their deductions or insinuations are correct.

No, we blindly and naively listen to this drivel and accept it as pure fact. When you start thinking about it, how much of the news is even fact? How do you know? I mean, I believe there was an Earthquake in China, I believe that many died and were injured, and I believe the news told the truth, but I don't know. It's not a proven fact to me. I didn't see it, feel it, hear from those who did, or even see video of it happening (not that such stuff doesn't exist). But, while that is unlikely to be something the news would make up, what about the war?

Is everything they propose about the war true? Do so many soldiers die? How many Iraqis die? What are the circumstances of those deaths (soldiers and civilians)? Do we know that John McCain really had enough votes to be the Republican Candidate? I didn't count the ballots, nor did anyone I know, or trust.

Anyway, I'm not proposing that the earthquake didn't happen, or McCain didn't win (though I'd still like to see it...), or that so many soldiers are not really dying. I'm proposing that we just be more skeptical when we watch what these strangers bring into our home(they are strangers, unless you know them in person, and even then, the news is often written by someone else, so they're just reading it off the tele-prompter; do you know the one who writes it? or reports it from Reuters or wherever?).

If some Joe Schmoe came down the street, suit and tie, and told you that your house was on fire, would you believe him? What if he told you stuff everyday and some of it was true, and some wasn't?

My Great-Grandmother...

2008-05-22T12:16:00.002-04:00

My mom sent me this video and I've watched it a few times. Seeing my Great-Grandmother singing in bed, like this... Well, I can feel it... but there are no words for it.

Short story... with a good lesson...

2008-05-22T10:07:00.002-04:00

This is not original, but something a colleague of mine, Jeff, experienced.

He was in Caribbean with a few of his buddies. They were on a business trip but had a day or two off, so on one of those days, they decided to go fishing in the Mediterranean. Asking at the hotel front desk about a good boat, they heard about Captain Luke. He owned his own boat and fishing tour company. They called and made arrangements to leave early in the morning.

The trip was wonderful. The fisherman had everything they needed, lunch was provided, the cost was low, and they all caught some great fish (some of which became lunch). The days passed and they couldn't stop thinking about the trip. However, they saw Captain Luke often, sleeping on a bench outside a bar, drinking in town with the locals, strolling down the boardwalk, laying on the beach. He never seemed to be working.

Well, Jeff's friend, Tom, was a little put off by this. "This man could be making a lot of money. He seems so lazy!" By the end of the trip, Tom had enough. He'd seen the boat docked in the harbor the entire time they were there and knew Captain Luke had not been working, so he approached him.

"Captain Luke, why are you so lazy? My friends and I could fly you up to New York, we could take what you have here and market it throughout the east and west coast, maybe the world. This franchise could make us all a fortune. Why don't you come to New York with us?"

"Well, Tom, I'm not too worried about money. Why would I want to do that?"

"Well, Captain, so you can make a whole bunch of money, so when you're older you can retire, not worry about money, move to the Caribbean, fish when you want, drink, and lay out on the beach."

So far it's been 3 days...

2008-05-22T10:05:00.002-04:00

I'm starting my fourth day of posting... and praying when my phone reminds me. It's been going well. I highly recommend it. I mean, we spend so much on these technologies, why not use them to improve our lives in the best way possible? Improving our relationship with God.

Christians are not allowed to think...

2008-05-21T11:18:00.003-04:00

Just because you live by faith, it does NOT mean you cannot think for yourself and learn and grow. There are those who believe that Christians just give up thinking when they become Christians and Christians who believe that faith is "better" than thinking. I would contend that not only are Christians allowed to think, but they must. Also, thinking and using intellect is not "better" than using faith, it's just different.

Science, true science, not the quasi-religion some call science, was created by Christians. Believers, during the dark-ages, developed the scientific process of proposing a hypothesis, testing your hypothesis, and coming to a conclusion. If it is not possible to consistently reproduce an experiment, its results are negated. This is logic at its finest. This is why our human brains were given to us by God.

Those Christians who follow blindly by faith are blessed. However, just because you believe that way, doesn't mean you have to live that way. Christianity is a defensible religion. Through archeology, we can prove the veracity of the history provided by the Bible. Through astronomy, we can see that the saints were right when saying that the heavens are so far beyond our reach. Through geography, we see that the world is round and it is a wheel within a wheel... I mean, how long before we new that the solar system was a wheel? And how much longer before we knew that that wheel was one of many inside the galaxy? Our own Milky-Way, a wheel.

Not long if you listen to the Word of God, however, proven through science.

I mentioned the quasi-religion science has become and the second to last episode of Eli Stone this first season, drilled this home for me. In this episode, the facts of this scientist's predictions and the fact that his "crazy" machine worked was not enough to close down the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead, the "crazy" science had to be "widely accepted by most of the scientific community" therefore giving the "scientific community" an almost Vatican-like power to say what is or isn't true, real, and believable.

I'm not one who believes every crack-pot scientist out there, but I don't believe that science or Christianity should be invaded and ruined by outside powers that tell us, this is the way it is. The Word of God is infallible, we, as men, are not. This does not mean that the sun actually rises, nor does it mean that a carburetor that gives us 200 mpg is sitting in some yokel's garage. What it does mean is that the Bible is true (even within its symbolism, when viewed as such), and science is, by definition, true, therefore it must be of God. Unfortunately it is only a way to view God's infinite truths through the eyes of whatever man found it.

Anyway, I just wanted to rant and started somewhere and ended here. Thanks for joining me on my journey to wherever I am now, I doubt I'm done with this subject, but it'll likely come up in pieces of other ones...

Those were my thoughts and feelings only, I do not claim to be a scientist or theologian. I simply believe in both things.

The "Real" Reality...

2008-05-19T14:03:00.003-04:00

What is it? I don't mean existentially, I mean, stuff like: "Do we all see black as the same color?" "Do we all see things right-side-up?" or even "Is left, left to all of us?" I mean, what if I looked in your eyes and from my view it was backwards, upside-down and colored weird? I don't know.

Should we really be so judgmental when we don't know what others see? We can hardly understand their thought processes. I mean, when any one of us is cut off in traffic, do we react the same way each time? I don't. If I'm angry I'm more aggressive, if I'm calm, I usually just shrug it off. So, if we can't predict how we'll act, can we effectively predict others' actions? Or even judge them when they occur?

What if a guy walks by you, wearing dirty overalls, looking down, with a disgruntled look on his face, and he bumps your arm? Now, what if an old lady did it as she shuffled past? Ok, one more, what if it was a teenager, laughing and smiling the whole time? Now think about that.. . What if the man had just lost his wife and was upset, but didn't even notice he bumped you? What if the old lady was bitter toward the world and did it on purpose? What if the teenagers were just excited because they were accepted into the local college and got Federal help?

I don't know about you, but at first I'd be pretty upset with the man and the teens, but the old lady, not so much. Of course, if then think about how the truth could be so different from what you perceive and how things aren't what they seem... Well, I guess I was wrong to knock that old man down after he stepped on my foot. But it hurt.

Hopefully this becomes a trend...

2008-05-19T10:01:00.003-04:00

I will be attempting to post regularly in my blog. I was with the Church this weekend and felt compelled to share what's going on in my life. I know, logically, that only my wife, mother, and sister will likely read this, but that's ok. If these posts do anything for them or anyone else, I'll be grateful, however, I will be posting them for myself and God.

Anyway, onto the actual post...

I have set my phone to bug me four times a day to remind me to pray. It just buzzed me for the first time a few minutes ago. I have been wanting to have more time to pray and think about God, however I get so caught up in work, play, etc. that I forget about doing it. So my phone will be buzzing me at 10, 2, 6, and 10, every day. I enjoy it already. :)

Onto this past weekend...

At the Cove, Mike was speaking about attending the weekend services and how you need to not only show up, but pray-up, pay-up, and a few other cheesy -up phrases. I really like the pray-up part. I've never realized that the services aren't really like a show. Our culture is so entertainment oriented and receptive-oriented, that I have always attended thinking, "What will God show me today?" instead of "This will be training time well spent." That's how I will attempt to view the weekend services now, as training time. Fellowship is a great word, but training covers it better (for my mind).

Anyway, I plan to post more regularly and it won't be anything like my previous posts, not that I won't possible post an occasional YouTube video or something, but I'll be posting stuff more personal and text-based. :) I may not post every day, but I may post more than once a day, at times, so I hope any who read this will get something out of it, I know I will.

Little Big Planet... preview...

2008-04-18T08:31:00.001-04:00

This is the first must-have game on the PS3. I know some people may say, "But what about MGS 4? That's going to be the system seller." Well, to those people I say, "Bullocks!" I'll be buying the PS3 when MGS4 comes out, cause I know I want it, but if this weren't coming out in September and it weren't for FFXIII, I wouldn't buy the PS3. However! I would buy this system for this game alone first. This will be the game that brings in the non-hardcore audience to the PS3 and that's what it needs.
Anyway, check this video out. You can build these crazy levels and play multiplayer, how much better does it get? Tons of simple physics applied to all the objects and characters and suddenly you have the recipe for ultimate fun. Did you see the giant cog? What about the guy balancing on the ball? And that skateboard? I'm more excited about this game than any other coming out this year (except GTAIV)
What are you doing still reading this? No one reads my blog, go watch the video!

Newton Virus - Art virus for Mac

2008-04-02T08:29:00.001-04:00

I want this virus for PC. I'd put it on so many computers... :)

Ron Paul: Strange Days Indeed (PG-13)

2008-02-05T11:23:00.001-05:00

The Re'evol'ution will NOT be Televised!!!

The Ron Paul Movie

2008-02-05T11:22:00.001-05:00

Ron Paul '08

The Re"evol"ution will NOT be Televised!!

Xbox 360's are Blogging it for Themselves...

2007-01-14T19:59:00.000-05:00

Check out my new link to my 360's new blog. It was just set up so it'll take a while, but they post daily. I can't believe it'll post more than I will. It's quite creative too. Check it out for yourself.

College Saga - Episode 1

2007-01-04T19:30:00.001-05:00

This is the funniest video I've seen in a long time, if you like Final Fantasy, you'll get all the jokes.

Justin's SNL "In a Box" Music Video

2006-12-17T14:20:00.000-05:00

This is the funniest SNL sketch I've seen in forever. Justin Timberlake is a comic genius. You have to watch this to the punchline. Trust me, you'll know what it is.

Will Wright on Colbert Report

2006-12-17T14:03:00.000-05:00

Will Wright on Colbert Report

Gamer Table

2006-12-13T21:02:00.000-05:00

This table is a GM's dream (and a player group's I believe). I seriously want to set something like this up for my group, but funds are limited and at this point I think a laptop alone would be nice.

Anyway, I've been listening to the GeeksOn podcast and working on XNA tutorials at school. So I've still not had time to start my own podcast. (I'm going to use GCast for it though) Once I do, it will be posted to here, though. Not, it seems, that many people come to visit my blog anyway.

Hopefully I will have some more poignant stuff to comment on tomorrow, meanwhile I'm going to get on WoW and let ideas for my book run through my mind as I kill elementals. (Frost resistance sucks!)

Fergie VS Gwen Stefani

2006-12-12T21:00:00.000-05:00

Whose song more annoyingly gets stuck in your head??? I'm thinking Fergilicious, but then I hear Wind it Up and it stays in my head until I hear Fergilicious again. I can't get them both out of my head at the same time. It's not fair. Anyway. I plan to begin posting again, including podcasts. Meanwhile, avoid those songs!!!!!!

The Worst and Best of AI in Video Games

2006-04-30T22:34:00.000-04:00

The worst AI I have ever seen in a video game is Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. In this game, a player knows exactly when and where anything will be. The decisions made are nearly always the same. A player could attack a guard and be sure that people would run and any guards in the area would charge the player. However if you hop over a barrier, such as a wall or plant and shoot a guard with a bow or cast spells at him, the guard would either run forward into the wall or hack in mid air at no-one. To make it more simple, one had only to make a spell to walk in the air and sit on a house or simply attack the guard from mid-air. It was a simple thing to know that if you attacked a guard the right way and they did not see you, they would find you and hunt you down anyway.

On the other hand, the best AI I have ever seen comes from the sequel to Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. In this game, the guards will chase you down, kill other people, if they attack you, then loot them and continue attacking you after. They will pull out a bow and arrow to hit you if they cannot otherwise. If you are sneaky enough and hit the guard while he is not looking, he may think it was another bloke behind him. You can get guards to attack other people this way. In addition, if other citizens are around, they may help the guards, or you, depending. If you attack their leader, such as a religious leader, they may run away, or run to get more powerful weaponry, or simply attack you with whatever they can pick up and use. The citizens can be found practicing their skills and stealing other people’s stuff. Even the animals may be attacking you or another animal or guard nearby. If you hear an animal attacking, you may be surprised to find a guard in the middle of the woods is the target, instead of you, or perhaps a deer is on the menu. There is even a champion in the coliseum that the people will hate you for killing, or, if you uncover an evil secret of his, they will love you for it. However, even more so, the guards will block your attacks, people will steal YOUR stuff, and there is no way to play the EXACT same game twice. However, you can come close.

AI has a long way to go, recently Physics cards have been introduced by the same companies that make Graphics cards, and I do not believe that AI cards are far off. It is probably only a matter of years before the AI is the focus, as physics are now, and graphics were in the nineties. AI cards will likely be in either the next generation of video games (PS4 anyone?) or the one after that at the latest (2015). I see no reason not to take the power you could cram into a little card like that, especially at that point in the future, (10 GHz processors in watches?) and use it to increase the intellect of everything in a game. If games are more real, they will be more adaptively involving. More adaptive means they will become obsolete slower, allowing more production time in between games, allowing higher price points, and better products and profits. A likely win/win situation for all involved.

My Favorite Game

2006-03-27T10:53:00.000-05:00

My favorite game of all time is The Legend of Zelda. I had the gold cartridge and my Grandparents got it for me. It was the first game that you didn't have to sit down and play. You could save it with the battery in the cartridge. My father would play it with me and beat it before I did. I loved that. The way that Link would get stronger, gaining more hearts and better swords as he went through was new to me. That you could throw bombs into the mouth of a Dodongo(sp?) was so neat. I loved blowing up the walls to see which ones would leave a hole I could sneak through. I burned so many bushes and snork looking things I lost count after an hour. That game (and most of the zelda's after it) were the best games I've ever played.

My current favorite game is one I haven't had the chance to play very much. I have been very busy at school and with World of Warcraft (my second favorite game). But, the first favorite, currently is Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Pulling someone who is trying to kill me towards a guard and watching the guard help me is normal, but watching that same guard loot the body we just killed before I can get to it is ridiculously cool. Having the option to save the world and be a good guy is fun and the option to be a bad guy is becoming the norm, but the option to be Robin Hood or to just go hunt some deer and steal anything I can from some lady down the street is wonderful. I love the AI too. The NPCs act almost human, you never know what will happen when you attack them or talk to them, or board their ship or enter their house. They may attack you, greet you, offer you something, ask you to leave, or just ignore you. That is why this game, where I can burn anyone I walk by and reap the consequences, is my favorite of the moment.

Artificial Intelligence... (the Turing test, Captcha and the Chinese Room)

2006-02-28T17:55:00.000-05:00

The turing test is a test that says if a computer can be mistaken for a human, it is truly thinking. The test has a few flaws however. How does one make a judgement that the computer is being mistaken for a human? How do you determine how many people need to be fooled or how intelligent the humans themselves need to be to prove it? If a computer fools a person into believing it is human is it the computer that fools the human, or the human who programmed the computer that fools the human? With enough experience, algorithms, etc. humans can write programs to fool anyone and anything.

The Captcha test, for example, is a test waiting to be beaten by a very talented programmer (likely working on a spam bot). The squiggly text that appears is difficult to identify, however there are programs that can read facial features, and those appear to be more difficult to decipher. Artificial Intelligence of this style is in its infancy, yet making leaps and bounds. That a program can be so good as to beat another program, or a human, is not sentience or true artificial intelligence. It is like a man in a room...

The Chinese Room argument says that ANY program would be like a man in a room with rules in english for manipulating chinese characters. To the people outside the room it appears as if the man understands chinese, however he is not receiving translations or any way to learn the language, all he has is "move this character here, move this one there" and therefore does not gain any understanding of chinese. A computer, like this human, is simply manipulating our language by using commands in binary, such as "put this letter here, put these words here." It appears as if the computer understands what we are inputting and what it is outputting, but it has no greater understanding of the english language than the man in the room has of chinese.

The symbol grounding problem: I will choose typing. When a typist types, they feel the keys. There is a bump on the F and J key to indicate to the index finger on each hand where they should be, different pressure is put on these fingers than on the other fingers to locate the position of all the fingers. After this the typist must memorize where the keys are and reach with each individual finger, sometimes at the same time. The typist must be controlling each finger individually and subconciously. If the typist begins to think about it too long, they will mess up more, type slower (like I am now) and generally have more troubles. Typing uses a sensory of the keys and knowledge of the location of the fingers at all times. There is a necessity to understand what the feelings coming from the hard plastic keys does to the skin to indicate that the finger is on a key.

For an abstract idea, let's take something Socrates would enjoy, honor. What is honor? Honor is easily described by example, but how would you describe it by definition? The act of doing the right thing? That is an honorable act, so therefore is honor the right? But what is right? At any given moment something may be right or wrong, how can we decide and moreso, how can we explain this to a computer? Honor must therefore not be necessarily the right, it is going beyond that or else, stopping at a red light would be honorable. Going to work would be honorable. These things fall short of honor, they are common. Saving a person from drowning is honorable, so is honor the act of doing the right thing, when it isn't easy? or is it something that is right, but not common? This is difficult and well over 250 words so I am ending this, but one last question... Is honor a difficult, or impossible thing to define for a computer, there is so much to it, how do you describe what is right to a computer without a list of every conceivable variable in existence?

According to Dr. Hugo De Garis in "The Artilect War", would you be a part of The Cosmists or The Terrans?

2006-01-16T13:44:00.000-05:00

I read most of "The Artilect War" by Dr. Hugo de Garis and have to say that his theories sound disturbing, pessimistic, and plausible. I do not believe this war will necessarily happen, however. I also read the reasons given for each side: Cosmists and Terrans. I disagree with most of the reasoning on both sides. Being an open-minded Christian, I feel it is disgusting to imagine creating these artilects as deities to be worshipped. That being said, I feel they should be created. I fear very little, especially from hyper-intelligent robots. There are a few reasons I feel the creation of these "artilects" should not be deterred.

The first reason is that I do not believe it will be possible to create true artificial intelligence on this scale. While I do not fully understand all of the science provided in the text, I believe that emotion or sentience are two things that would be difficult (impossible?) to create in artificial life forms. I may be wrong, but if so, I have more reasons.

I feel that even if they were created and became as intelligent as the Dr. points out and they viewed us as rocks or mosquitoes, there would be little or no threat. I know no human with a vendetta against all of rock-kind or mosquito-kind (except maybe in third world countries where they transmit so many diseases). Unless we were viewed as a threat to their kind, they would have no logical reason to dispose of us. Furthermore, they would likely stay in our area of space for a short period of time. As soon as they developed a means to travel quickly (which shouldn't take long with their extreme intellect) they would leave this solar system. They would take only minutes, perhaps seconds, to learn everything about this solar system (including earth, all of its species, and the other planets) and would likely pursue more knowledge.

If they have such extreme intellect and sentience, they could figure out how to help us evolve to their level (biologically) in a shorter time. They would likely desire companionship and produce more of themselves, but also wish to raise us up to their level as a biological equal. The fourth and final reason I have to say, "go ahead" and be a cosmist (though I disagree with most of their described reasoning) is that I believe in an all-mighty Deity who will not let all of human kind perish until His return. However, if this means an "Artilect War" before hand, so be it. He has his reasons and I see no benefit to destroying humanity with a war over whether or not to create them because they may destroy us if we do. What kind of circular logic is that?

My first game

2006-01-12T17:04:00.000-05:00

I have finally finished my first game (complete game) it is magnificently boring. I did the clown tutorial thing and couldn't just stick to that, I added a wasp instead, that speeds up when you scroll over it, lays an egg when you click on it and multiplies very quickly if you're good. That being said, I have no idea how to add a second level or what variables I can use with gamemaker to do that. I haven't tried yet, so I will look later, my family is calling and my kids want to eat.

AI Work

2006-01-11T11:38:00.000-05:00

Pattern recognition: The act of taking raw data and using it to anticipate certain actions based on that data.

Game AI: is the technique of making NPCs produce the illusion of intelligence, while still being defeatable. It is not producing an NPC that can destroy everything, and never die, but an NPC that gives the illusion of a challenge, while being able to lose to the player.

IQ: Intelligence Quotient. This is a standard method for computing the intelligence of an individual relative to the intelligence of society as a whole. (That is why by definition, 100 is average)

Game we haven't played: ES IV: Oblivion Radiant AI (new system... based on behavioral AI) Character's awareness isn't strictly limited to a few hard-scripted objects or activities... interaction with EVERYTHING based on set parameters, not scripting... controlled by own agenda, schedule, and motivation...

In the beginning...

2006-01-09T13:49:00.000-05:00

I'm really excited about this program. I moved to the Charlotte area over two years ago and began looking for a game design program. I almost moved to Florida to attempt Full Sail, but could not afford it. I have a wife and two kids (with one more on the way) so instead I settled on doing an AS transfer program and getting a BS in Computer Science. Fortunately my wife saw the new degree signs and I went home last week (on Tues) and dropped all of my other courses, except C++ and added four courses of SGD. So I am taking AI, Programming, 3D modeling, and intro. I can't wait to start making games. There are so many ideas in my head and on various notebooks throughout my house. I can't wait to unleash them on the world.