In the City

The Monster inside me creeps
And though my secrets sleep,
The slumber is not sound.

My Monster knows the way
To ruin another day.
He runs through city streets,
Up and down he creeps,
As he laughs out loud.

Alone through man-made canyons I run
Looking behind me. He's having fun.
I need help to cope.

My Monster is Legion and they are many
Scattering, shuffling, cornering me.
They run, they scream, I no longer sleep.
My mind it wrenches. I fall and I weep.
I see them, right there, before me here
My Monsters, they know me, I am but fear.
Where is my promised hope?

There, in the distance, I see the Light
It comes and quickly the Monsters fright.
They all run and disperse as if by magic.
My hope is here, my situation's not tragic.
He stands beside me, His hand outstretched.
My legs won't listen, I know I am wretched.
I know my worth and it's less than nothing.
He knows it too, but He sees something
Different than I. He sees His brother.
He'll fight my Monsters, and then another,
And though He wins, in His death, they succeed.

I'm alone again, or so I think
He pulls back to life, and not from the brink
For He was dead, three days in all,
As I wept and cried and then I saw
Him standing there, brighter than before
He reached out again, but this time there was more
A spirit inside me, not ridding of guilt
For I was why He had to wilt
Under the attack of Monsters of sin
But He didn't save me from only them.
His Father was mad. I'd created Lament
And He was the one who'd sit in Judgment
He'd throw me into the dungeons, the pit
He'd get rid of the keys. For eternity I'd sit
And ponder my wrongs, against Him, for they were
My horrid rebellions. My life as a damned cur
Would all be over. I'd promise Him that.
But it wasn't enough. He knew of my fat
Greedy heart that plotted against me.

He knew of my mind that filled me with pride.
He knew of my soul and His Son who died
To save me from evil I'd brought on myself.

I ran like a scared little goblin or rat
I ran like I could escape the One who sat
On the throne of Heaven, the throne of Grace,
I couldn't escape Him or change my own face
From one who was evil to one who was good
His Son had done that, but I scarce understood
The reality of the act He committed,
What salvation cost Him, that I stood acquitted
Of every Monster and every destruction
Every evil and all my obstruction
Of good and His Will and all of creation
He'd paid all my debts and those of all nations
With the only thing worthy. Himself.

So there in my shame and nakedness plenty
I cowered as the Son of Man who had saved me
Approached and I knew that I couldn't escape.
I knew that he would destroy me and take
Every bit of anything I held to
And rid me of it, I would just sit and rue
My short little life of which I had nothing
Of value to offer to One who was Holy.
He stretched out His hand and I cowered again
I shrunk back from it, but then looked at His grin.
He knew my fears and they troubled him not.
He saw my soul and right then I forgot
All that before I had held so dear
And all that in Him had caused me such fear
As my hand touched His, I knew without doubt
That I was so empty, but He had a fount
Of living water that freely would flow
Into me. Filling my soul
Like nothing experienced before on the Earth.
Like nothing. But close to a second birth.

I was a new man and in Him I shone
My face was now bright as the fresh fallen snow
I'd see Monsters and terrible things till I could
Join Him in His Kingdom above where He stood
At the right hand of my Father who sent His own Son
To save a wretch like me.

A New Creature

Image via Wikipedia

So, I'm starting with a little update. I started reading the Bible about 30 days ago on a daily basis. I use YouVersion. They have an excellent iPhone app that can track a reading plan, but if you don't have the iPhone (or iPod Touch) don't fret. The reading plan is a feature on their website too, so you can go there and track it.



It comes with many different translations, including the Message, KJV, NIV, NLT, many languages, like Japanese, Spanish, and many more. If you don't enjoy reading on your phone or computer, you can use it to track the reading and just pull out a Bible to read the appropriate chapter.

Well, as I've been reading it, the God of the Angel Armies has spoken to me about many things. Mostly my sin. I'm a horrible sinner,and I was born that way. I've heard it's a terminal condition. Fortunately the Counselor spoke to me about my sin and laid a guilt so heavy about one particular sin that I couldn't shake it.

He weighed on my heart until I confessed it and shared it. I'm not going into detail about all of it, but I will share some of it. As I shared this with my wife... I confessed to her, because she is my best friend and He has used her to help me grow closer to Him repeatedly... He opened my eyes to the fact that I was consumed too much with our modern culture.

My television consumption consisted of stuff I would have been ashamed to watch with Jesus, or even my children. I watched 24, How I Met Your Mother, Heroes, and more. Much more. I deleted over 40 subscriptions from my Hulu account alone.

I'm not saying this to brag. It's nothing to brag about. I am ashamed of what I was watching and how much. I can't stand it.

But, I couldn't stop watching those shows.

I was writing my novel every night. I nearly finished it. I'm probably 20 hours of work away from being ready to publish.

I wanted to publish it.

I wanted to be a writer, with a book out, but I felt His weight on me about how my book wasn't what He wanted.

I fought that.

I wanted to write so bad, and maybe one day I will. But not now. My family needs me to be there for them. I was spending so little time with my family that I knew I had to stop writing, watching crap that didn't matter, and living in video games and fantasy worlds.

I was evil. I am evil. I know that. God tells me that. "8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us the sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
10 If we say that we haven’t sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us." 1st John 1:8-10.

I have sin and can't deny it. I have a desire to go out into the world, share the Word, spread His Love and His gift... but first I needed to get myself right. I needed to get my family right.

I'm taking care of those things now.

I already know the next step, but not until He says I'm ready.

So, I've been reading the Bible, and the Lord has been breaking me. He has been tearing my heart apart and it hasn't felt good, but the healing between the hurt has been amazing. I have had the best 24 days of my life in the past 24 days, and that includes the double ear infection, sinus infection, kids with the same, etc.

I have been a typical American "Christian" who just asked Jesus into his heart and went about his day for a long time. Sure, I listened to Christian music, and some that would make me cringe in the presence of Jesus. I was playing games that I wouldn't allow near my children, but I'd allow them near myself and my wife.

I praise God that He kept me alive long enough to see that I was never broken over my sin, because I was broken the other day.

I plan to post more about my journey, but this was just an update. So if I've been different, or distant recently, know that it's because I am. I am focused on my Savior and my Lord more than ever and I hope it increases until the fire consumes me.